How to be a Tourist in Europe

This is prompted by Sheila, an anonymous American lady who sat next to me in an internet cafe in Venice. I snooped what she was writing, and it was along the lines of "the food is weird, the bathroom is small, and I can't wait to get on the cruise ship." Yep, that's what she had to say about Venice. Sheesh.

So here it is, Sam's Rules for Becoming a European Tourist. All you need is a sense of adventure, a decent guide book (my preference is Rick Steves) and comfortable shoes. And band-aids if you didn't test drive the shoes before you arrived... Ready?

Rule Number 1 - Embrace the differences
You didn't come to Europe for it to feel like Los Angeles, so understand that it doesn't (well, perhaps except for all those Gap stores). It also doesn't conform to high speed LA time, so slow down, go with the flow, and don't get all steamed over the little stuff. Nothing will actually move any faster because you got steamed.
If you're like me and you stay in the little hotels off the main drag, the bathroom will indeed be small, as will the bedroom. The shower might be barely big enough for you to turn around in, and that funky, low, sink-like thing in the corner - the bidet - is actually great for washing your tired feet. But you came here for the sights, right? Truly, you will probably be in the bathroom for less than an hour a day, and if you have planned your sightseeing properly, the only things you will see in the bedroom is the backs of your eyelids.

Rule Number 2 - Walk
Seriously. There are times that I think we Americans would attempt to drive to our own bathrooms if we could, but trust me when I tell you it won't kill you to walk. You will smell, hear, and see more things, especially the little stuff that makes your trip special. It will help you clear your jet lag and the hangover you got from all that good wine last night, and it justifies the extra servings you ate of the foods you dutifully avoid at home. Besides, these folks on the Segways in the Piazza Della Signoria in Florence don't look like cool, rich people who can afford to tour on a technological gadget... they look just plain dorky.

Rule Number 3 - Eat
Eat the local specialty. Get off the beaten path. Avoid McDonalds (actually, avoid it for the rest of your life). Stop ordering the pizza just because it's the only thing you recognize. Pick one thing per country and try it in every restaurant - in Italy, I order the bruschetta everywhere; in France it's creme brulee. Find the local gems and make friends with the owner (a generous tip usually gets you remembered and treated like royalty when you next show up). Ask for their recommendations and give it a shot. And if you really hate it, there is always a pizza stand... but only for emergency backup!

Rule Number 4 - Visit the big church
Regardless of your brand of faith or position on religion, the big church in the middle of town is usually a marvel. It is the best example of the area's architecture, art, history and politics all rolled into one big story board. The glitterati of the day worked on this building, but so did the common man. With life spans in the Renaissance seldom passing 50 years, and cathedral building campaigns lasting hundreds, it was not uncommon for a craftsman's entire life to be spent essentially working on one structure, or perhaps even just one ornate arch. Ponder what it must have taken to hoist those huge stones that high without the benefits of hydraulics. Check out the artwork under the dome, and appreciate that the fresco artists created it on their backs, with plaster and paint dripping into their faces. While you are in there, light a candle for someone special in your life (Steve... I love you!)

Rule Number 5 - Don't stress about the language
We are lucky that the natural second language for most of the world is English. We are even luckier that most of the people we meet want to test out their English on us. Stop thinking you need to be fluent to travel. You only need a few words, and you need to stop feeling so self conscious about trying them out - really... they don't care that you hacked it to pieces, they care that you tried. So, learn these few words.... Hello. Goodbye. Please. Thank you. One of those (and this can be done by holding up the correct number of fingers and pointing to the desired object). That's it - that and smiling a lot will cover just about everything.

Rule Number 6 - Take pictures
Load up on ram cards for your camera and just go for it. Buy an extra battery pack too. No, you don't need the latest 38 megapixel sooper-dooper camera of the moment. Just bring the one that fits your hand or your shirt pocket best because then you will enjoy using it. But do learn how to operate it, especially how to turn off the flash (a requirement for photographing inside most museums and churches). Snap the buildings, the food, the patterns on the floors, the funky graffiti. Offer to take pictures of fellow travelers in front of stuff. Ask for the same. Take the touristy shot in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. When it's all said and done, these pictures will be your best memories of the trip.

Bon Voyage!